


Tainted

by thestoriesinmyhead95



Series: Bucky Barnes x Reader One-Shots [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/M, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Reader-Insert, emotionally, poor communication, reader asks for a divorce, reader has nightmares, reader has ptsd, reader is afraid that bucky thinks she's broken, reader is attacked by hydra, reader kills a hydra member, reader needs to heal, reader thinks bucky is cheating, so she pulls away from him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 13:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16914063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestoriesinmyhead95/pseuds/thestoriesinmyhead95
Summary: You and Bucky are married and in love. Hydra attacks the apartment you and Bucky live in. You kill the agents, but you get shot in the process. What happens in the aftermath? Angst!





	Tainted

**Author's Note:**

> lots of angst!

“Bucky, Bucky, come quick! Y/N was shot! She’s in medical now!” Natasha yelled as she ran into the gym. Bucky jumped out of the ring and started to run towards the medical wing, Natasha and Steve were right behind him. They were stopped by Bruce right outside of the room, where you were being healed in the cradle.

“She’s going to be okay, it was a through and through. Your apartment was attacked by a couple Hydra agents, but she shot them.” Bruce says. Bucky takes a shaky breath and leans against the wall.

“Hear that, Buck. She’s gonna be okay.” Steve says as he grips Bucky’s shoulder.

“T-t-this is my fault. They wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me! She’s gonna hate me!” Bucky sobs and Steve hugs him.

“She loves you so much, there’s no way that that’s true and this was not your fault. You got that, Buck?” Steve says and Bucky nods.

“Hey, she’s healed and is resting in one of the beds. You can go in.” Tony says as he walks out. Bucky pushes his way into the room.

“Hey, doll. How are you do-?” Bucky says as he walks towards you.

“GET OUT! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU!” You scream. At that Bucky stops and he can feel his eyes start to water.

“Doll, p-please.” Bucky whispers as he takes a step closer to you.

“GET OUT!” You scream and Bucky turns and runs out of the room. What he doesn’t see is you hysterically sobbing as he does. Bucky crashes into Steve as he runs into the hall.

“Buck, what’s wrong.” Steve asks as he takes in Bucky’s tear stained face.

“S-she hates me, she said she doesn’t want to see me.” Bucky sobbed as he clung to Steve.

“I-I’m sure that that’s not true, let me talk to her. I’ll find out what’s going on.” Steve says and Bucky let go of Steve so he could go talk to you. When Steve goes in, you stay completely silent, acting like he’s not even there. The rest of the team tries to speak to you and has little success. The only person who you will speak to is Pepper and even then it’s like pulling teeth to get you to say anything.

***

You and Bucky moved back into the tower, since you refused to leave. When Tony said that the two of you could move back into the room the two of you had used before you got your own apartment, you flipped the coffee table and stormed out of the common room and locked yourself in the room you and Bucky once shared. Bucky then quietly asked if there was an empty room he could use. Tony nodded and gave him access to the room down the hall from what was now just your room.

You became a shell of who you were. You always had dark circles under your eyes and your hair usually looked unwashed. You only wore sweat pants and t-shirts and it was often the same pair for multiple days.

“Y/N!” Pepper says a bit harshly and you flinch. “Y/N.” She says quieter. “We talked about this, you need to shower, eat and sleep.”

“Sorry.” You whispered and Bucky’s head snapped up. That was the first thing you had said in a week. Pepper had left for a business trip a week ago and you had spiraled, even more so than when she was here.

“Go shower, I’ll make some food and we can talk, okay?” Pepper asks and you nod and get up to leave. Bucky gets up to follow you out.

“Please, Y/N, just talk to me! If you hate me, just tell me! Yell and scream at me, tell me that it’s all my fault, but please, baby girl, stop ignoring me!” Bucky pleads as he follows you to your room. You pause before entering and look back at him, you open your mouth to say something but then you decide against it, and your go into your room, locking the door behind you. Bucky can barely hold in his sobs as he runs for his room.

A little while later, Pepper knocks on your door.

“Good, you showered.” Pepper says as you let her into your room. “I thought you said you were going to talk to Bucky while I was gone. The two of you need to talk, Y/N.” You shrug in response as you start to pick at the food on the plate Pepper had given you. “Use your words, Y/N. I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.”

“I’m not who he married anymore. I’m a murder, I’m tainted.” You whisper.

“Those Hydra agents would have killed you if you hadn’t killed them first and what do you mean you’re tainted?” Pepper says.

“Bucky would always say that’s what he loved about me, that I wasn’t tainted like he was, that I wasn’t in this world. I was the normal one, well as normal as you can be when you’re married to an Avenger.” You whisper. “I’m not that anymore, I was his anchor and now I feel like I’m drowning. What if he doesn’t love me like this, Pep. I don’t think I could handle that.” You sob and Pepper tries to comfort you. Eventually you tire yourself out and you fall asleep. Pepper leaves quietly, because she doesn’t want to wake you, she doesn’t notice that she doesn’t close the door enough for it to lock.

***

Bucky wakes up to screaming, you’re screaming. It wasn’t unusual these days. Your nightmares where a nightly occurrence, but you always had your door locked, to keep people out. But that didn’t stop Bucky from trying to get in to comfort you, or at the very least make enough noise to wake you. So he runs to your room and to his surprise he finds it unlocked. He rushes towards you and stops at the foot of the bed.

“Doll, wake up! Y/n, please.” He says rather loudly in an attempt to wake you without touching you. But when you don’t wake up he moves to the side of the bed. You have tears streaming down your face. Bucky leans over and shakes your shoulder. “Baby girl, wake up, you’re having a nightmare.” As he does this you shoot up in bed and look at him with horror.

“GET OUT!! I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!!” you scream.

“Please just talk to me, maybe I can help. We can talk, like we do when we I have nightmares. Please, doll I don’t know how to help you, you need to tell be what you want me to do.” Bucky cries out.

“I want you to get out.” You whisper as you lie back down. Bucky sighs and moves to the door. “Lock the door on your way out.”

“Okay, Doll.” Bucky whispers as he shuts the door. As soon as the door is shut he starts to sob. He doesn’t want to be alone and he can’t bother Steve with this again, so he makes his way to Nat’s room. Nat answers on the first knock and looks at Bucky with a confused expression but then she notices the tears and she lets him into the room.

“What’s the matter, Bucky?” Natasha asks.

“She won’t even let me comfort her.” Bucky says as he sits on the bed. “She used to always comfort me after I woke up from a nightmare. Why won’t she let me do that for her?” Bucky sobs as he runs his hands through his hair.

“I don’t know, Buck. None of us know what’s going on in her head. Maybe Pepper, but she’s not talking.” Nat says as she sits down next to Bucky.

“Do you think this is the universes way of punishing me for what I did as the soldier? That it would give me the woman of my dreams just so I can watch her break apart in front of me.” Bucky whispers.

“No, that’s crap. The things you did as the soldier weren’t your fault, just like what happened to Y/N wasn’t your fault.” Nat says and Bucky shrugs. “It wasn’t your fault, Bucky, say it!”

“It wasn’t my fault.” Bucky murmurs. The two of them talk for a couple hours, until Bucky can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

“Stay here tonight, you shouldn’t be alone. I’ll take the couch.” Natasha says and Bucky nods. It only takes Bucky a few minutes to fall into a deep sleep.

***

You wake up the next morning and decide to go talk to Bucky, you wanted to apologize for him seeing you like that last night. When you get to his door you knock a couple times, but he doesn’t answer. Then you hear a door open down the hall and see Bucky and Nat walk out of her room. Bucky was wearing the same sleep clothes that he was when he woke you up from your nightmare.

“Thanks for last night, I really needed that.” Bucky says and Natasha smiles at him as the two of them go their separate ways. You make a mad dash back to your room, before Bucky can notice you. You shut your door and you fall to the ground. Your heart broke, you had already lost Bucky. He had already noticed how broken and weak you were and had moved onto someone stronger. Maybe it was for the best. After an hour or so of crying, you seal away the heartbreak. You needed to talk to Bucky and you couldn’t do that if you were in the state you were in now. So you pick yourself up and go to find Bucky. He’s in the kitchen with the rest of the team.

“H-hey, Bucky.” As you speak everyone’s eyes snap to you. You hadn’t spoken to any of them since the incident. “Can we talk?”

“Y-yeah, Doll, let’s go talk.” Bucky says as he gets up from the table and makes his way to you. He has an eager expression on his face and that makes your throat constrict a bit. The two of you walk into the common room that was currently empty. You sit down on the couch and he sits next to you. “What do you want to talk about, Baby girl?”

“I-I want a divorce.” You whisper and you can hear Bucky stop breathing, you look up at him and his eyes are filled with pain. That confuses you, you would have thought he would be happy. You were freeing him of his obligation to you. Bucky and Nat could be together now.

“What?” Bucky chokes out.

“A divorce. I know you would never ask for one, but I know you’re in love with Nat and the two of you should be together. Don’t try and d-deny it, I-I saw you leaving her room this morning. I’m h-h-happy for you. You deserve someone who is s-strong.” You whisper.

“No! I don’t love Nat! I went to her room last night after you kicked me out of yours to talk-just talk. I would never cheat on you! I love you so damn much, Baby girl. P-please don’t leave me. I don’t want a divorce.” Bucky sobs.

“Y-you still love me? Even though I’m tainted now?” You whisper.

“Tainted?” Bucky says as he uses his thumb to wipe away some of your tears.

“You always said that you loved that I wasn’t like you, that I wasn’t an assassin or an avenger. You loved that I was normal. But I’m not anymore Bucky, I’m not strong anymore, I can’t be your anchor. I-I-I.” Then you start sobbing and Bucky pulls you into a hug.

“I’ll will always love you, no matter what. You are still the strongest person I know and you aren’t tainted. But you need to let me help you, like you help me. Please, Y/N. You can’t ignore me anymore.” Bucky whispers.

“Okay.”

***

Things got better. It took a long time and a lot of therapy- individual and couples- but you and Bucky became stronger together. You both still had nightmares but you would each comfort the other. The two of you leaned on each other and your bond grew even deeper than it was before the incident. The two of you still lived in the tower, but you shared a room again. The two of you talked about your insecurities and problems instead of bottling them up. You were currently lying in bed next to Bucky and you turned over so you could face him. You are surprised when you see that his eyes are open and that he is smiling down at you.

“Good morning, sleepy head.” Bucky says.

“Where you watching me sleep, that’s kind of creepy.” You say with a grin. Bucky leans down and gives you a quick kiss.

“Well, you’re stuck with me for the rest of our lives, so get used to it.” Bucky jokes.

“I like the sound of that.” You say after you give him another kiss. “So does that make this our happily ever after?” Bucky leans down and kisses your cheek.

“Damn straight.”


End file.
